I must admit, I don't really like feeling vulnerable, let alone, letting others know that I am vulnerable. However, I feel that this post will serve as just that....showing my vulnerableness...is this a word? and admitting that I have issues with this. We are 24 days away from the big day....some may say that this is super exciting, some may ask, am I getting nervous, and some may say, it's not too late to turn back....as much as I don't like the last one, it is true that some people may say that. To be truthfully honest here, I am so excited to be married, to call Nick my husband, and to have the rest of my life with him. However, I am super nervous about a number of things. - Money.
- Not enough time to get my to do list finished.
- Not everything will come together.
- Nick.
- We are both so stressed about money and moving and everything else that falls within those things that we are seriously just not really flowing well.
Bare with me here as this is truely the first time I am talking about this. The past week has been somewhat of a roller coaster here. Different emotions have come out: anger, sadness, joy, happiness, contentness, fear, etc. The list above is just a sample of stuff that has gone through my mind right now and I really want to know if other brides are feeling the same way or have felt it before they got married.
We are both worried about money right now and honestly, I am soooo over it. We are both hard working individuals, make a decent living (although, his paycheck is quite larger than mine) but combined, we do alright. The wedding doesn't have a large budget, but it's not small either...some would say it's lower than the average person's budget....so where the H is this money going to? Well I will tell you, we are paying two rents right now, paying off the vendors, the small things add up, the honeymoon, plane tickets, and to top it all off we are painting, moving, and buying stuff for the house. So that leaves us at 24 days to try to skim by with barely anything and to finish paying everything that we owe. This wouldn't be so hard for me honestly if I felt that we weren't taking it out on each other. This is the biggest thing that hurts me. We are each others confidant, best friend, person we go to when we feel poopy....so why do I feel that we aren't doing that right now? I hear stories about brides who are just so sappy and in awe of their fiance and vise versa and I really wonder, do they really feel that way right now? Do I wish things weren't so straining on us? Yes. Without a doubt. Do I wonder if I am the only bride that feels this way? YES. EVERY. SECOND. OF. MY. DAY.
I do need to say one thing that is good. I realize that God is by my side and His plan is the right plan. Last week I found out that I needed almost $4,000 within a month or the wedding wouldn't happen....after crying, talking to my parents, and even trying to take out a small loan, God has answered my prayer. I now only need about $800 and I know it is very possible and will happen. I am relieved and even more, I am so thankful that my God hears me and answers my prayers on His timing not mine. Another prayer request has also been answered but this one is a little more personal and I think I may wait to share it with you...but He is good and I am blessed....
The last 2 nights I have ran and during both of those runs, I have prayed harder than normal. I know I have said in the past on here that my runs are my Lindsey and Jesus times....but these past 2 nights have been different. Though I haven't seen one certain prayer answered yet, I do know that God is working and He is bringing peace to people that need it. this is my prayer.
I texted Nick the other day saying that soon we will be back to our normal happy fun selves bc the wedding is almost here.....Lord, am I excited for that? Yes.....
Don't get me wrong, I am enjoying every second of this engagement, my plans are coming together, I finished my manzanita trees two nights ago, and the seating chart last night...I even had a dream about it...in the same dream though, I was sitting alone at the sweethearts table with two people from high school that weren't even invited to the wedding. WTF? Where the heck was Nick? And why were they at the wedding?
With all this to say, I am so happy to be with Nick for the rest of my life. However I will be relieved when everything is over and we are back to being best friends again...because right now, I just feel that we can't do anything right.
So this is my prayer, "Lord, bring peace to everyone that is going through a storm right now...be with Nick and I as we need to be a team and not be separate....Bless these next 24 days and everyone who is involved...Amen"
I apologize if this blog is a little bit more personal than normal or if I make anyone uncomfortable, however this is my only outlet and it feels good to let everything out.
